My stepdad's mom died recently ..

Well.. 

My stepdad's mom died recently .. and well .. i thought he'd have more of a reaction to what happened.. but he didnt. After he found out, he was just super chill with it .. he just took it like it was nothing, like it was just another person's death . I don't know what to say .. well he is old.. and so was she .. so i guess they were prepared for her death .. but still .. idk .. the reaction was just what took me by surprise .... 

.. im the type of person that notices everything .. i wish i didn't .. but i do .. 

and when i noticed his actual pain inside.. behind the mask of him not caring.. i felt so much sadness for him .. my heart just went out to him .. my step dad .. the dude that was always making jokes and making me laugh .. he for that one split second when i looked at him.. he was just purely sad .. 

i didn't have any words to console him .. and that made me angry .... 

.. i started to wonder .. what would my reaction be if someone really close to me died ... it has happened before .. but i mean .. an actual family member ... not a close friend [which was the one that was taken from me]... but yeah .. idk .. i wish that i would show some emotion towards their death .. but for some reason i think that i would just be numb to everything ... 

Be Here Forever

I don't want to love you 

Because I'm in fear

last time I was in Love 

I was drained of my last tear

Nights were colder

Days were lonely 

and I promised myself , the pain 

would last one time only

I don't want to feel that hurt again

I don't want to lose my lover, my hope, my best friend

I just need you to be here forever

No lies, no fooling, no jokes

I just need you to be here forever 

No lies, no fooling, no jokes

Boy Trouble: Dominic

Ohk 

I totally wish that I wasn' t that girl that would write about something like this.. 

but i am that girl .. sadly ... 

Well this boy Dominic ... 

past: I really liked him freshman year.. but he had a choice between me and a good friend... I really liked him, but at the same time.. she was my friend and hurting her would scar me for life .. so when he asked me what he should do .. i told him to choose her ... and i just walked away ..literally ..she ended up breaking his heart like 3 days later .. and i just couldn't be the one to mend it again .. so i just left him and stopped talking to him ... he eventually changed schools and so did i .. so i didn't see him again .. 

until now .. 

currenlty: me and him have been talking again ... i mean ... i really wish i wouldn't put myself in this position .. but then again .. im that girl .. i really like him .. maybe it because he is a sweet talker.. and for once in my life .. id like to have that get away where someone is sweet talking me instead of just straight up telling me they want to fuck me .. Dominic isn't like that .. and thats part of why i like him .. he isn't forcing me to do anything .. he reminds me of the only other guy that i was in love with (Devin) .. idk what to do .. just continue this and see if he is genuine ..or just walk away once again .. and never know what would have or could have happened ... 

wish i had a brain ... 

I'm Sorry ... [for my real dad]

I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough 

Sorry that you weren't there

I'm sorry that you don't love me

Sorry that you don't care

I wish I could take away 

whatever it was that I did to you 

I wish you'd come back and see 

that I'm a different person. I'm brand new

I'm sorry that my life was not what you wanted

I'm sorry you left 

I'm sorry that you haven't seen me 

I'm sorry that you haven't seen what came next

Your absense from my life hurt

You left without a good word

Your absense from my life hurt

You left me crying on the curb

For years I've been wondering 

where are you? 

My father, who was supposed to love me

where are you? 

All I have to say now is

I'm sorry Dad that you didnt see me grow

I'm sorry that you dont see that I'm a big girl now

but your gone. so you'll never know

the dream...

I had this dream ... 

my family [of whom barely understands me, and im sure has some sort fear of me, because of how i see the world] and i went out on a boat into the ocean... the boat was long and white and instead of railings on the side...it only had a rope... [no support at all].. there were men on the boat along with us... they were big and scary looking...enough of a threat to me that i had to move to the opposite side of the boat to feel a tiny bit safer... suddenly the boat was in the middle of a circle of islands... all with no beach .. but they all had a huge mountain that you had to climb or a cliff...something hit the boat and three men fell out ... blood replaced them in the water... my heart was beating so fast. i thought it would jump  out of my chest... and then .. again another bump against the boat... we looked down and the biggest shark i have ever seen jumped up out of the water and bit the boat in half... leaving all of us having to jump into the water.. far across the ocean more near to the cliffs.. some women were on floaties calling us toward them... for some reason we swam with lightning speed and caught up to them .. the boat and the bad men behind us were eaten by the shark... all of sudden we had to climb the cliffs to the top of the island . with no ropes or anything .. just us and our hands and feet..we were climbing.. leaving the ocean below us.. until.. a lose rock hit me on the shoulder and i fell .. 

then i woke up ... 

The Liar Girl

There’s this girl in my school that is just full of lies. I wish it was  an over exaggeration, but unfortunately, it’s the truth. I’m pretty much straight forward about things, if I don’t like you, you’d know, if I do, then you don’t have to worry. I try very hard to be accepting of her, and not be judgmental, but it is difficult. I can’t bear the sight of her. She makes my blood boil, literally.

          When I first met her, I thought that she was very pretty. She seemed really innocent and like the girl next door, but once she opened her mouth, it was a different story. Her name is, Lindsay, and she just seems like that one girl, who is full of it. She is like that one girl that seems to make up everything, so that she will receive attention from everyone. When I met her, she told me that she is an actress and that she was in various films. I was excited to meet an actress for the first time, but when I saw her actually perform at a school function, she was really bad. I was shocked at the intensity of how bad of an actress that she really was.

          Another instance where she was lying, was when she was telling people at our school that she was supposedly the “popular” girl in her old school. That was a complete lie. The thing is, I don’t understand why she would lie about miniscule things. There is no point to her lies.

I’d tell more about her, but time is running out, there is life to live, but of course if there is anything else to say… later….  

ok .. introduction...

I've never really made a blog, I usually just write in a diary, but I feel like this is going to be a good experience for me. I don't know. So many thoughts go through my head, I felt like it would be nice to put them down somewhere. Plus my hand was getting a major cramp from writing. I guess I write too much . 

Well a little about what's going on with me right now: 

1. I'm writing a book. I know im young, but I feel like with my imagination, I will be capable to write a book. My only fear concerning that is, who will read it?

2. Hmm.. I am a poet .. so some of my blogs might contain my poems. 

3. At the moment I'm writing a song and playing it on the guitar for my mom's upcoming wedding in June. Hopefully that will turn out good, because I'm really wanting to play this for her and her new husband. 

4. Relationship wise. Too much to talk about. Boys are just a part of my life that always seems to bug me. 

5. Friends. well.. what do I say, backstabbers, leeches, close friends, "best" friends... I guess I'm going to try to confess it all ... 

idk . until next time.. 

sorry for all the just blabbing and going on and on.. i really wasn't so sure what to write about...