OCD/Boyfriend Trouble/ Other man (maybe)

OCD -> I thought my OCD was dying down, but it's not. I am getting anxiety attacks from all the things that I have not accomplished. I stay up now until 5 in the morning to make lists of things I have to do and have to get done by the end of my winter vacation. The fact that I am going to New York, does not help because I won't be able to get anything done.

BOYFRIEND TROUBLES-> I love my boyfriend. He's amazing, but some of the things he does annoys me. I love the fact that he always has my back, he cares about me, he does things for me that I know he doesn't do for other women. but I hate the fact that he's so judgemental of the things that I do. It's hard to be with someone who all of a sudden wants to change you, but then later says, " Oh I don't want to change you. i love you for you who are. " but then why the heck are you trying to change me! don't front! Ithought you loved me for the way I am, but why do you keep telling me you hate that i do this. you hate that i do that. uugh . men!

OTHER MAN (MAYBE) -> Thug in my life. Uugh . I always let the wrong men interfere with my life. Dude from my school likes me . and says he loves me . cuz we been chillin 2gether for a while now. But for some reason, even though he can be a jerk sometimes, he never tries to change who i am .. he accepts me as much as I accept the fact that he's an asshole. the thing is he is an asshole to everyone but me. Everyone gets mad that I'm the only girl that he opens doors for that he buys things for . that he brings food to. if i need something he'll get it . if i want soemhting . he'll buy it... I'm not doing anythign with him . because knows I have a boyfriend. but is it wrong to have that feeling of wanting to be around him? ... I feel like it is and I hate being in this position. He says he will wait for me until I realize I want him . This is the first time in my life that I actually had to make a decision like this or even thought of making a decision liek this. I don't know what it is about this guy that makes me think too much.

both of them are so equal but yet so different. ones an all around amazing guy that I know a lot of girls would kill for. the other . an all around great guy but he's only that way to me. ..

smh man .. smh

wo~w so much ...

ok . so past couple days have not been good at all...

1. took time out from the boyfriend . because well... i felt like he didn't need my drama in his life. He's 19 he needs to have fun . He's in college and dealing with my drama wouldn't be fair to him. We still talk of course, but other than that, we really haven't seen each other. I doubt we are going to in a long time. I feel guilty, because he was the only good thing in my life, besides my really close friends and my brother. I guess, we shared an intimacy that i couldn't have with anyone else. Now, I'm pushing him away, and what's stupid, is the fact that I am pushing him away. I'm aware of it. I feel like it's good for him, so that he won't feel tied down, but then sometimes, when I think about it, I don't want him to leave me. I might go insane, if I have no one.

2. My mom had a talk with me on Saturday. Apparently, she found out about my plans of sneaking out. They were only plans, I ended up not going, because I felt too guilty. I've been working so hard to earn her trust, and now, it's gone. She said planning it is just like doing it. I didn't feel like arguing.

But because of me "planning" it , she has now decided to not pay for my college, because she thinks that i'm "not worth it anymore". When she said that, obviously, it hurt.

This family is a fake and I'm not willing to keep this up for too long anymore. I have two years to plan my escape from here, and I'm doing it. I can't take this anymore. The only problem is, my brother. I fear, that if I leave him, and then if I try later on to get him back ( when I have a lawyer and money to take care of him), he won't even want anything to do with me. My whole life, I've always been taking care of him, and I'm not prepared to ever give that up. I need to leave this house and this family, but not my brother. I just pray that he won't forget me when I'm gone.

My mom is trying to show everyone that we are a great family, that we love each other so much. It's true, I do love them, but at the same time, I can't do this anymore. I heard that "love does not have a limit", but with them, it does. I can't love my mother enough to stay here and NOT plan on leaving. I can't stay here and hear almost every other day about what I've done and how I'm not changing, or that I'm a whore, or stuff like that. I've changed, it's just her choice not to notice that.

Everytime I complain to someone, I know they are probably thinking that I'm just being a brat. I'm not. It's only because they see what's on the outside, they don't see what goes on between all of us when the doors are closed. The sad thing is, I'm the only one willing to say anything. When we are all together, with out my mom's presence, everyone talks about how peaceful it is with out her, or how she's so loud, and she's so stubborn, and abusive. When she's here, they all take her side. I can't do that anymore. Someone needs to tell her she's wrong, and right now, if everyone thinks I'm the "bad" child for doing that, then so be it. I'm a good person, and I know that, and a lot of other people know that, if others can't see that, then that's their problem, because I can't be fake. I can't do this any longer.

I need to get out of here.

sadly ...

The guy that I'm trying so hard to be with and well am with actually, is going to be going to college this summer and will not be able to see me as much . Well, actually, I think that he won't be able to see me at all.

We talked about it a couple nights ago. We were laying down and he mentioned the fact that he will be taking classes soon and I didn't know what to say to him. I just laid there really quiet trying to act like it didn't matter to me. He said he feels bad that he will have to ignore me for a while, because of his studies and I had to say "I understand" because well, I do. He's going to school and school is more important than our relationship. I know that and I accept it. I would never want to come between him and his studies, that would make me a bad person and I care about him too much to be in the way.

It sucks, because, I finally find the person that actually is perfect for me. He cares about me, he isn't needy, he acts like a man, but he's sensitive, he makes me feel good, and he always thinks about us, before just himself. I love that about him, but I found him and now I have to let him go. I guess, this is where the "If it is meant to be yours, it will come back to you" phrase comes in. The thing is , I don't think that I will ever be able to let him go. It just hurts too much.

During the conversation, I didn't say anything, I just tried to act like it didn't mean anything to me, like the whole thing was just another fling and I felt so bad about that. When he left, I thought to myself, "You idiot!" you should have told him how you feel! ...

But I didn't .. and now I don't know what I'm going to do...

Why do parents think that they know everything? /vegetarian

ok . I'm really buggin' out. My mother, as always, has to be the boss of everything, including my driving. I know parents always nag about stuff like this, but it's just so annoying. Every move i made was wrong, and when I ended up being stiff, because of all of the criticism, there was a complaint to that to. *sigh* I was ready to just give them the keys and say you guys can drive. I'm turning in my drivers license. I'm done. But I prayed for patience, although I was cussing in my head. haha. Still, it was just criticism after criticism after criticism and when I opened my mouth to say something, I was wrong.

My mother:

"Don't say anything anymore. Just accept your wrong."

"Why are you so stubborn?"

"Look at where you are going?"

"Why is your music so loud?"

"Why are you going at the same rate as the speed limit? You already passed the test, no one is judging you." *pssh*

"Why is your music down now? I said it was loud. turn it back on."

... you get where this is going...

anyway ...

after this I was just like:

*silence*

*straight face*

*stiff*

OK . On another note. I think I'm going to cut down on my eating of meat. It's just very I don't know. Meat just makes me so full and I feel a little weird eating too much of it. I'm not stopping eating meat, I'm just cutting down. I feel like there is so much more better food out there for me to eat and meat is not that healthy anyway. (well the kind of meat my family eats. FILIPINOS) I don't know . guess I'll have to debate this all haha

Obsessed... the movie was bomb

Ohk .. Well this movie was so bomb. Beyonce was on top, as always, haha . She did amazing in this movie. I just got back from watchin' it with my friends. My friend is going to back to Korea =/ .. and I decided to take her out . But I loved this movie so much plus Idris Elba is HOT! Ya'll should already know that i love my chocolate haha .. but yeah .. anyway ... There was so much going on and damn , I must say this is one of my favorite movies. Right next to American Gangsta, haha .. and the fight at the end between Ali Larter and Beyonce, it was great haha. I love my girl fights, and I loved this one. Beyonce could do some damage. It was pretty damn crazy and intense. I just want anyone who reads to know that this movie is worth watching . MOST DEFINITELY. The acting was good, the story was good, finally it is not a black woman that is crazy lol . To me, the story started out a little slow, but it is worth the tiny 5 minute wait haha .

Wow I just sounded like moviefone. haha . but that movie was so good it was worth the good review.

I got a new camera!

Ok .. well .. the camera isn't really .. "new" . It is just new for me . haha ... I passed my driver's test, so I now have my license! ye~ah . *happyface* So because of all of that, my mother bought me a camera! Not the regular kind (digital), she bought me a cannon 350 or rebel 200 . It's kind of old, but i like it. I'm taking intense pictures with it ha~ha and annoying everyone, but hey , at least I'm putting the camera to good use right? Well, anyway, I'm planning on taking a lot of pictures, so watch out everyone. If your in the way of the camera, you will get shot (your picture taken). He~he. 

New pictures will be uploaded in a little bit. XD

I haven't written in a long time...

OK. Well, lately, everything has been pretty weird for me. 

I just came back from D.C, which was one of the worst flight ever. First of all, we missed our flight, because we went to the wrong airport. This was the first time it had ever happened to us: we weren't leaving from the same air port that we had arrived in. It was really upsetting when we did arrive in the correct airport. We were there 45 minutes before the airplane was about to take off, but they did not allow us in. The option that was presented to us, was that we were going to have to wait on standby, which meant that we would probably be separated. Turns out that, the only one that was separated from us was my step dad, who ended up taking a flight to Denver during a snow storm, and then taking a flight to L.A. We prayed for him intensely because of fear that something might go wrong with the flight or that he would have to stay in Denver with nothing (because we had his luggage). Anyway, during our flight to San Francisco, I sat next to a woman and her baby. I don't want to seem like a mean person, but that kid annoyed me for 5 hours. I know eventually I will have to go through that: the whole bringing my child in an airplane thing, but still, that was annoying. The kid kept crying and crying, and then from time to time would scream right into my ear. We finally landed then took off another flight to L.A, and during that flight, the two girls behind me would not stop talking. they talked for a whole 1 hour and 23 minutes, it amazed me. I know I am a girl, but I do not talk that much, well, I don't think I do. Anyway, their conversations were far from interesting and almost made me fall asleep if it weren't for the annoying screech of their high pitch giggles and talk of "like", " I know", and "she is soooo irritating." The whole conversation was pointless and I felt like my I.Q was going down within every article (the, a, etc.). When we finally arrived home, I was so relieved and I slept for hours on end. 

This spring break, we went to Chicago as well as D.C, and I think that is one of my most favorite cities. The culture there is amazing and I love the art and architecture that surrounds the city. The men there aren't half bad looking either lol. Anyway, the whole trip brought so many questions up: Where am I going to go for College?, What courses am i going to take?, What do I want to be? What am I going to major in? Many questions like that. My mom says that she wants me to be whatever makes me happy, but she would be happy if I became a doctor. Now, I'm not sure if I should fulfill her wishes and make her happy, or pursue my dreams and make myself happy. My mom has already made a name for herself as a dentist/doctor, now I want to make a name for myself in something that I'm good at too, I'm just not sure if being a doctor is that thing. I don't want to disappoint her, but sometimes her expectations are too high. I feel like all parents want their child to be a doctor or a lawyer or something that is "respectable", but not all kids can be a doctor or a lawyer, and not all kids want that. I certainly don't. Well, being a lawyer kind of is appealing to me, but I still don't know what I want. But I do know that whatever I will be, i don't want that profession to overtake my life and keep me from doing what my heart desires most and that is becoming an artist. (not the painter kind of artist, although that could be an option.)

and as for trouble with men... 

The one man that I feel is a perfect match for me, doesn't even notice that. I feel like he sees me as a friend and a flirting buddy, not as something that could potentially be the one. The problem is, I've fallen for him and I see him as the one, I just wish there was a way to reverse all of that so I could just see him as just another nice guy with a cute smile. I don't know....