1. took time out from the boyfriend . because well... i felt like he didn't need my drama in his life. He's 19 he needs to have fun . He's in college and dealing with my drama wouldn't be fair to him. We still talk of course, but other than that, we really haven't seen each other. I doubt we are going to in a long time. I feel guilty, because he was the only good thing in my life, besides my really close friends and my brother. I guess, we shared an intimacy that i couldn't have with anyone else. Now, I'm pushing him away, and what's stupid, is the fact that I am pushing him away. I'm aware of it. I feel like it's good for him, so that he won't feel tied down, but then sometimes, when I think about it, I don't want him to leave me. I might go insane, if I have no one.
2. My mom had a talk with me on Saturday. Apparently, she found out about my plans of sneaking out. They were only plans, I ended up not going, because I felt too guilty. I've been working so hard to earn her trust, and now, it's gone. She said planning it is just like doing it. I didn't feel like arguing.
But because of me "planning" it , she has now decided to not pay for my college, because she thinks that i'm "not worth it anymore". When she said that, obviously, it hurt.
This family is a fake and I'm not willing to keep this up for too long anymore. I have two years to plan my escape from here, and I'm doing it. I can't take this anymore. The only problem is, my brother. I fear, that if I leave him, and then if I try later on to get him back ( when I have a lawyer and money to take care of him), he won't even want anything to do with me. My whole life, I've always been taking care of him, and I'm not prepared to ever give that up. I need to leave this house and this family, but not my brother. I just pray that he won't forget me when I'm gone.
My mom is trying to show everyone that we are a great family, that we love each other so much. It's true, I do love them, but at the same time, I can't do this anymore. I heard that "love does not have a limit", but with them, it does. I can't love my mother enough to stay here and NOT plan on leaving. I can't stay here and hear almost every other day about what I've done and how I'm not changing, or that I'm a whore, or stuff like that. I've changed, it's just her choice not to notice that.
Everytime I complain to someone, I know they are probably thinking that I'm just being a brat. I'm not. It's only because they see what's on the outside, they don't see what goes on between all of us when the doors are closed. The sad thing is, I'm the only one willing to say anything. When we are all together, with out my mom's presence, everyone talks about how peaceful it is with out her, or how she's so loud, and she's so stubborn, and abusive. When she's here, they all take her side. I can't do that anymore. Someone needs to tell her she's wrong, and right now, if everyone thinks I'm the "bad" child for doing that, then so be it. I'm a good person, and I know that, and a lot of other people know that, if others can't see that, then that's their problem, because I can't be fake. I can't do this any longer.
I need to get out of here.
No comments:
Post a Comment