OCD/Boyfriend Trouble/ Other man (maybe)

OCD -> I thought my OCD was dying down, but it's not. I am getting anxiety attacks from all the things that I have not accomplished. I stay up now until 5 in the morning to make lists of things I have to do and have to get done by the end of my winter vacation. The fact that I am going to New York, does not help because I won't be able to get anything done.

BOYFRIEND TROUBLES-> I love my boyfriend. He's amazing, but some of the things he does annoys me. I love the fact that he always has my back, he cares about me, he does things for me that I know he doesn't do for other women. but I hate the fact that he's so judgemental of the things that I do. It's hard to be with someone who all of a sudden wants to change you, but then later says, " Oh I don't want to change you. i love you for you who are. " but then why the heck are you trying to change me! don't front! Ithought you loved me for the way I am, but why do you keep telling me you hate that i do this. you hate that i do that. uugh . men!

OTHER MAN (MAYBE) -> Thug in my life. Uugh . I always let the wrong men interfere with my life. Dude from my school likes me . and says he loves me . cuz we been chillin 2gether for a while now. But for some reason, even though he can be a jerk sometimes, he never tries to change who i am .. he accepts me as much as I accept the fact that he's an asshole. the thing is he is an asshole to everyone but me. Everyone gets mad that I'm the only girl that he opens doors for that he buys things for . that he brings food to. if i need something he'll get it . if i want soemhting . he'll buy it... I'm not doing anythign with him . because knows I have a boyfriend. but is it wrong to have that feeling of wanting to be around him? ... I feel like it is and I hate being in this position. He says he will wait for me until I realize I want him . This is the first time in my life that I actually had to make a decision like this or even thought of making a decision liek this. I don't know what it is about this guy that makes me think too much.

both of them are so equal but yet so different. ones an all around amazing guy that I know a lot of girls would kill for. the other . an all around great guy but he's only that way to me. ..

smh man .. smh

wo~w so much ...

ok . so past couple days have not been good at all...

1. took time out from the boyfriend . because well... i felt like he didn't need my drama in his life. He's 19 he needs to have fun . He's in college and dealing with my drama wouldn't be fair to him. We still talk of course, but other than that, we really haven't seen each other. I doubt we are going to in a long time. I feel guilty, because he was the only good thing in my life, besides my really close friends and my brother. I guess, we shared an intimacy that i couldn't have with anyone else. Now, I'm pushing him away, and what's stupid, is the fact that I am pushing him away. I'm aware of it. I feel like it's good for him, so that he won't feel tied down, but then sometimes, when I think about it, I don't want him to leave me. I might go insane, if I have no one.

2. My mom had a talk with me on Saturday. Apparently, she found out about my plans of sneaking out. They were only plans, I ended up not going, because I felt too guilty. I've been working so hard to earn her trust, and now, it's gone. She said planning it is just like doing it. I didn't feel like arguing.

But because of me "planning" it , she has now decided to not pay for my college, because she thinks that i'm "not worth it anymore". When she said that, obviously, it hurt.

This family is a fake and I'm not willing to keep this up for too long anymore. I have two years to plan my escape from here, and I'm doing it. I can't take this anymore. The only problem is, my brother. I fear, that if I leave him, and then if I try later on to get him back ( when I have a lawyer and money to take care of him), he won't even want anything to do with me. My whole life, I've always been taking care of him, and I'm not prepared to ever give that up. I need to leave this house and this family, but not my brother. I just pray that he won't forget me when I'm gone.

My mom is trying to show everyone that we are a great family, that we love each other so much. It's true, I do love them, but at the same time, I can't do this anymore. I heard that "love does not have a limit", but with them, it does. I can't love my mother enough to stay here and NOT plan on leaving. I can't stay here and hear almost every other day about what I've done and how I'm not changing, or that I'm a whore, or stuff like that. I've changed, it's just her choice not to notice that.

Everytime I complain to someone, I know they are probably thinking that I'm just being a brat. I'm not. It's only because they see what's on the outside, they don't see what goes on between all of us when the doors are closed. The sad thing is, I'm the only one willing to say anything. When we are all together, with out my mom's presence, everyone talks about how peaceful it is with out her, or how she's so loud, and she's so stubborn, and abusive. When she's here, they all take her side. I can't do that anymore. Someone needs to tell her she's wrong, and right now, if everyone thinks I'm the "bad" child for doing that, then so be it. I'm a good person, and I know that, and a lot of other people know that, if others can't see that, then that's their problem, because I can't be fake. I can't do this any longer.

I need to get out of here.

sadly ...

The guy that I'm trying so hard to be with and well am with actually, is going to be going to college this summer and will not be able to see me as much . Well, actually, I think that he won't be able to see me at all.

We talked about it a couple nights ago. We were laying down and he mentioned the fact that he will be taking classes soon and I didn't know what to say to him. I just laid there really quiet trying to act like it didn't matter to me. He said he feels bad that he will have to ignore me for a while, because of his studies and I had to say "I understand" because well, I do. He's going to school and school is more important than our relationship. I know that and I accept it. I would never want to come between him and his studies, that would make me a bad person and I care about him too much to be in the way.

It sucks, because, I finally find the person that actually is perfect for me. He cares about me, he isn't needy, he acts like a man, but he's sensitive, he makes me feel good, and he always thinks about us, before just himself. I love that about him, but I found him and now I have to let him go. I guess, this is where the "If it is meant to be yours, it will come back to you" phrase comes in. The thing is , I don't think that I will ever be able to let him go. It just hurts too much.

During the conversation, I didn't say anything, I just tried to act like it didn't mean anything to me, like the whole thing was just another fling and I felt so bad about that. When he left, I thought to myself, "You idiot!" you should have told him how you feel! ...

But I didn't .. and now I don't know what I'm going to do...

Why do parents think that they know everything? /vegetarian

ok . I'm really buggin' out. My mother, as always, has to be the boss of everything, including my driving. I know parents always nag about stuff like this, but it's just so annoying. Every move i made was wrong, and when I ended up being stiff, because of all of the criticism, there was a complaint to that to. *sigh* I was ready to just give them the keys and say you guys can drive. I'm turning in my drivers license. I'm done. But I prayed for patience, although I was cussing in my head. haha. Still, it was just criticism after criticism after criticism and when I opened my mouth to say something, I was wrong.

My mother:

"Don't say anything anymore. Just accept your wrong."

"Why are you so stubborn?"

"Look at where you are going?"

"Why is your music so loud?"

"Why are you going at the same rate as the speed limit? You already passed the test, no one is judging you." *pssh*

"Why is your music down now? I said it was loud. turn it back on."

... you get where this is going...

anyway ...

after this I was just like:

*silence*

*straight face*

*stiff*

OK . On another note. I think I'm going to cut down on my eating of meat. It's just very I don't know. Meat just makes me so full and I feel a little weird eating too much of it. I'm not stopping eating meat, I'm just cutting down. I feel like there is so much more better food out there for me to eat and meat is not that healthy anyway. (well the kind of meat my family eats. FILIPINOS) I don't know . guess I'll have to debate this all haha

Obsessed... the movie was bomb

Ohk .. Well this movie was so bomb. Beyonce was on top, as always, haha . She did amazing in this movie. I just got back from watchin' it with my friends. My friend is going to back to Korea =/ .. and I decided to take her out . But I loved this movie so much plus Idris Elba is HOT! Ya'll should already know that i love my chocolate haha .. but yeah .. anyway ... There was so much going on and damn , I must say this is one of my favorite movies. Right next to American Gangsta, haha .. and the fight at the end between Ali Larter and Beyonce, it was great haha. I love my girl fights, and I loved this one. Beyonce could do some damage. It was pretty damn crazy and intense. I just want anyone who reads to know that this movie is worth watching . MOST DEFINITELY. The acting was good, the story was good, finally it is not a black woman that is crazy lol . To me, the story started out a little slow, but it is worth the tiny 5 minute wait haha .

Wow I just sounded like moviefone. haha . but that movie was so good it was worth the good review.

I got a new camera!

Ok .. well .. the camera isn't really .. "new" . It is just new for me . haha ... I passed my driver's test, so I now have my license! ye~ah . *happyface* So because of all of that, my mother bought me a camera! Not the regular kind (digital), she bought me a cannon 350 or rebel 200 . It's kind of old, but i like it. I'm taking intense pictures with it ha~ha and annoying everyone, but hey , at least I'm putting the camera to good use right? Well, anyway, I'm planning on taking a lot of pictures, so watch out everyone. If your in the way of the camera, you will get shot (your picture taken). He~he. 

New pictures will be uploaded in a little bit. XD

I haven't written in a long time...

OK. Well, lately, everything has been pretty weird for me. 

I just came back from D.C, which was one of the worst flight ever. First of all, we missed our flight, because we went to the wrong airport. This was the first time it had ever happened to us: we weren't leaving from the same air port that we had arrived in. It was really upsetting when we did arrive in the correct airport. We were there 45 minutes before the airplane was about to take off, but they did not allow us in. The option that was presented to us, was that we were going to have to wait on standby, which meant that we would probably be separated. Turns out that, the only one that was separated from us was my step dad, who ended up taking a flight to Denver during a snow storm, and then taking a flight to L.A. We prayed for him intensely because of fear that something might go wrong with the flight or that he would have to stay in Denver with nothing (because we had his luggage). Anyway, during our flight to San Francisco, I sat next to a woman and her baby. I don't want to seem like a mean person, but that kid annoyed me for 5 hours. I know eventually I will have to go through that: the whole bringing my child in an airplane thing, but still, that was annoying. The kid kept crying and crying, and then from time to time would scream right into my ear. We finally landed then took off another flight to L.A, and during that flight, the two girls behind me would not stop talking. they talked for a whole 1 hour and 23 minutes, it amazed me. I know I am a girl, but I do not talk that much, well, I don't think I do. Anyway, their conversations were far from interesting and almost made me fall asleep if it weren't for the annoying screech of their high pitch giggles and talk of "like", " I know", and "she is soooo irritating." The whole conversation was pointless and I felt like my I.Q was going down within every article (the, a, etc.). When we finally arrived home, I was so relieved and I slept for hours on end. 

This spring break, we went to Chicago as well as D.C, and I think that is one of my most favorite cities. The culture there is amazing and I love the art and architecture that surrounds the city. The men there aren't half bad looking either lol. Anyway, the whole trip brought so many questions up: Where am I going to go for College?, What courses am i going to take?, What do I want to be? What am I going to major in? Many questions like that. My mom says that she wants me to be whatever makes me happy, but she would be happy if I became a doctor. Now, I'm not sure if I should fulfill her wishes and make her happy, or pursue my dreams and make myself happy. My mom has already made a name for herself as a dentist/doctor, now I want to make a name for myself in something that I'm good at too, I'm just not sure if being a doctor is that thing. I don't want to disappoint her, but sometimes her expectations are too high. I feel like all parents want their child to be a doctor or a lawyer or something that is "respectable", but not all kids can be a doctor or a lawyer, and not all kids want that. I certainly don't. Well, being a lawyer kind of is appealing to me, but I still don't know what I want. But I do know that whatever I will be, i don't want that profession to overtake my life and keep me from doing what my heart desires most and that is becoming an artist. (not the painter kind of artist, although that could be an option.)

and as for trouble with men... 

The one man that I feel is a perfect match for me, doesn't even notice that. I feel like he sees me as a friend and a flirting buddy, not as something that could potentially be the one. The problem is, I've fallen for him and I see him as the one, I just wish there was a way to reverse all of that so I could just see him as just another nice guy with a cute smile. I don't know....

16th birthday ... finally realized ...

hmm .. ok .. 

well i just celebrated my 16th birthday .. =]] 

it was fun .. 

but it made me realize that its so insane how fast we grow. It seems like just yesterday, I was in the 2nd grade, in the Spelling Bee looking up at my mom for support when I didn't know how to spell something, and now I'm looking at colleges that I might be interested in applying to. Thinking back on it, all of the times that I thought, "I want to grow up already!" "I hate being too young" I think back on those times. and i say to myself " wow i was stupid" .. 

Now all I think about is how hard it is to be growing up. I've had to face so many problems, that I wish I could just walk away from. I've done so many things that I wish i didn't have to do, but at the same time have no regret doing. Everytime I look back at those times, I just think wow, now i wish i didn't grow up so fast. I wish I had enjoyed every moment of my youth, however short it was. 

In a way it made me sad, but at the same time, I was excited and fearful of what is to come ... 

My Opininons do Count !!

So many people think that my opinion does not matter, and I am sick of  it. I am sick of being interrupted when I am speaking, and sick of being yelled at. No ones opinion is more superior than the others, they are just different. 

I'm sick of having people think that their voice only matters. Is it so much to ask for them to realize that during my life, I have acquired a voice of my own? I never ask them to care about what I think, just to have the decency to listen. It enrages me to think about how many say that I am loud and mean. Do they ever wonder why? Maybe its because they don't want to listen to me, and half of the time I'm right! Half of the time, if they listened to me they would not be in their predicament! UUUUUGHHH ! 

-Lala-

My stepdad's mom died recently ..

Well.. 

My stepdad's mom died recently .. and well .. i thought he'd have more of a reaction to what happened.. but he didnt. After he found out, he was just super chill with it .. he just took it like it was nothing, like it was just another person's death . I don't know what to say .. well he is old.. and so was she .. so i guess they were prepared for her death .. but still .. idk .. the reaction was just what took me by surprise .... 

.. im the type of person that notices everything .. i wish i didn't .. but i do .. 

and when i noticed his actual pain inside.. behind the mask of him not caring.. i felt so much sadness for him .. my heart just went out to him .. my step dad .. the dude that was always making jokes and making me laugh .. he for that one split second when i looked at him.. he was just purely sad .. 

i didn't have any words to console him .. and that made me angry .... 

.. i started to wonder .. what would my reaction be if someone really close to me died ... it has happened before .. but i mean .. an actual family member ... not a close friend [which was the one that was taken from me]... but yeah .. idk .. i wish that i would show some emotion towards their death .. but for some reason i think that i would just be numb to everything ... 

Be Here Forever

I don't want to love you 

Because I'm in fear

last time I was in Love 

I was drained of my last tear

Nights were colder

Days were lonely 

and I promised myself , the pain 

would last one time only

I don't want to feel that hurt again

I don't want to lose my lover, my hope, my best friend

I just need you to be here forever

No lies, no fooling, no jokes

I just need you to be here forever 

No lies, no fooling, no jokes

Boy Trouble: Dominic

Ohk 

I totally wish that I wasn' t that girl that would write about something like this.. 

but i am that girl .. sadly ... 

Well this boy Dominic ... 

past: I really liked him freshman year.. but he had a choice between me and a good friend... I really liked him, but at the same time.. she was my friend and hurting her would scar me for life .. so when he asked me what he should do .. i told him to choose her ... and i just walked away ..literally ..she ended up breaking his heart like 3 days later .. and i just couldn't be the one to mend it again .. so i just left him and stopped talking to him ... he eventually changed schools and so did i .. so i didn't see him again .. 

until now .. 

currenlty: me and him have been talking again ... i mean ... i really wish i wouldn't put myself in this position .. but then again .. im that girl .. i really like him .. maybe it because he is a sweet talker.. and for once in my life .. id like to have that get away where someone is sweet talking me instead of just straight up telling me they want to fuck me .. Dominic isn't like that .. and thats part of why i like him .. he isn't forcing me to do anything .. he reminds me of the only other guy that i was in love with (Devin) .. idk what to do .. just continue this and see if he is genuine ..or just walk away once again .. and never know what would have or could have happened ... 

wish i had a brain ... 

I'm Sorry ... [for my real dad]

I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough 

Sorry that you weren't there

I'm sorry that you don't love me

Sorry that you don't care

I wish I could take away 

whatever it was that I did to you 

I wish you'd come back and see 

that I'm a different person. I'm brand new

I'm sorry that my life was not what you wanted

I'm sorry you left 

I'm sorry that you haven't seen me 

I'm sorry that you haven't seen what came next

Your absense from my life hurt

You left without a good word

Your absense from my life hurt

You left me crying on the curb

For years I've been wondering 

where are you? 

My father, who was supposed to love me

where are you? 

All I have to say now is

I'm sorry Dad that you didnt see me grow

I'm sorry that you dont see that I'm a big girl now

but your gone. so you'll never know

the dream...

I had this dream ... 

my family [of whom barely understands me, and im sure has some sort fear of me, because of how i see the world] and i went out on a boat into the ocean... the boat was long and white and instead of railings on the side...it only had a rope... [no support at all].. there were men on the boat along with us... they were big and scary looking...enough of a threat to me that i had to move to the opposite side of the boat to feel a tiny bit safer... suddenly the boat was in the middle of a circle of islands... all with no beach .. but they all had a huge mountain that you had to climb or a cliff...something hit the boat and three men fell out ... blood replaced them in the water... my heart was beating so fast. i thought it would jump  out of my chest... and then .. again another bump against the boat... we looked down and the biggest shark i have ever seen jumped up out of the water and bit the boat in half... leaving all of us having to jump into the water.. far across the ocean more near to the cliffs.. some women were on floaties calling us toward them... for some reason we swam with lightning speed and caught up to them .. the boat and the bad men behind us were eaten by the shark... all of sudden we had to climb the cliffs to the top of the island . with no ropes or anything .. just us and our hands and feet..we were climbing.. leaving the ocean below us.. until.. a lose rock hit me on the shoulder and i fell .. 

then i woke up ... 

The Liar Girl

There’s this girl in my school that is just full of lies. I wish it was  an over exaggeration, but unfortunately, it’s the truth. I’m pretty much straight forward about things, if I don’t like you, you’d know, if I do, then you don’t have to worry. I try very hard to be accepting of her, and not be judgmental, but it is difficult. I can’t bear the sight of her. She makes my blood boil, literally.

          When I first met her, I thought that she was very pretty. She seemed really innocent and like the girl next door, but once she opened her mouth, it was a different story. Her name is, Lindsay, and she just seems like that one girl, who is full of it. She is like that one girl that seems to make up everything, so that she will receive attention from everyone. When I met her, she told me that she is an actress and that she was in various films. I was excited to meet an actress for the first time, but when I saw her actually perform at a school function, she was really bad. I was shocked at the intensity of how bad of an actress that she really was.

          Another instance where she was lying, was when she was telling people at our school that she was supposedly the “popular” girl in her old school. That was a complete lie. The thing is, I don’t understand why she would lie about miniscule things. There is no point to her lies.

I’d tell more about her, but time is running out, there is life to live, but of course if there is anything else to say… later….  

ok .. introduction...

I've never really made a blog, I usually just write in a diary, but I feel like this is going to be a good experience for me. I don't know. So many thoughts go through my head, I felt like it would be nice to put them down somewhere. Plus my hand was getting a major cramp from writing. I guess I write too much . 

Well a little about what's going on with me right now: 

1. I'm writing a book. I know im young, but I feel like with my imagination, I will be capable to write a book. My only fear concerning that is, who will read it?

2. Hmm.. I am a poet .. so some of my blogs might contain my poems. 

3. At the moment I'm writing a song and playing it on the guitar for my mom's upcoming wedding in June. Hopefully that will turn out good, because I'm really wanting to play this for her and her new husband. 

4. Relationship wise. Too much to talk about. Boys are just a part of my life that always seems to bug me. 

5. Friends. well.. what do I say, backstabbers, leeches, close friends, "best" friends... I guess I'm going to try to confess it all ... 

idk . until next time.. 

sorry for all the just blabbing and going on and on.. i really wasn't so sure what to write about...